Today i blew my nose so hard i got vertigo and fell off the toilet into a pile of cats.
Now, That’s something you don’t say every day.
i bet you could go your whole life and not have that happen to you. Maybe. i don’t know. It seemed pretty easy to me. What was unusual was the amount of cats i fell into.
i was on the toilet in the bathroom where the cat food lives. Teena, our tiny tiger kitty, ALWAYS follows me in to the bathroom because she has learned that i am a totally captive audience there on the toilet and not going anywhere. Ultimately, that makes me her SLAVE. She purrs and rubs on my legs and tries to keep me from leaving so that i have to Stay. There. And. Pet. Her.
She takes this VERY seriously.
But now, it must have been kitty buffet time, because Tommy and Bobby were both there as well (Yes, possibly i am the crazy cat lady, but when asked, i like to look at them like THEY are the ones who are crazy and pull out one of these seven responses) and they were all competing for my attention when the nose-blowing incident happened.
i have been dealing with this horrendous chest cold and basically drowning in phlegm. But, i was getting better and had even lost 4 pounds out of the ordeal. (i am just 19 flus away from my ideal weight!) i had binge-watched some great tv, got a pretty intense ab workout with all the coughing and discovered that key lime pie is not technically solid food and totally eatable when one is way under the weather.
And it was nice to be loved.
Or, as loved as cats are capable of being. Sometimes i think they are just tolerating my existance because i make the never-ending foodbowl never end, and i have opposable thumbs and can open the bag of kitty treats we now keep in the fridge because one (or more) of them has learned to get on the counter, find the bag of treats and rip it open with their teeth.
Teena, Tommy and Bobby swirled around my feet like sharks in a pool – if the sharks were cute and plush and cuddly with loud motors. (i imagined a pack of animated lawnmowers, a la Stephen King, rolling through the bathroom. Or maybe a bunch sharknado cats like this one.)
i grabbed some tissue and blew my nose and BOOM! My brains exploded! The bathroom suddenly tilts and rocks like a sailboat in a storm and i tumbled right off the toilet into the swirling pile of shark-lawnmower-cats.
“Whoa!” Because, what does one say when one falls off the toilet and lands on a bunch of cats in an unplanned manner? i mean, i’m not sure who actually PLANS to fall off the toilet, but i guess if you are drunk or half asleep it might be more of an expected event. Especially if you’re a girl. It just seems like girls get drunk and fall asleep on the toilet more than boys. Maybe it’s the indoor vs. outdoor plumbing between the two sexes. But if you are drunk-sleeping on the toilet, you are just asking to fall off.
“Yyyyowl!” Said the cats. Or, at least that’s what it sounded like to my human ears. It was probably a bunch of four-letter kitty swearing. i bet cats swear like truckers.
i laid there for a while waiting for the world to stop spinning and my stomach to calm down.
i was feeling a bit carsick-y with all the rocking and rolling. The cats, who had scattered when the crazy coughing cat lady came crashing down on them, were gradually returning to investigate. Tommy sniffed my toes. Bobby took the opportunity to get some snacks at the kitty buffet. Ever the opportunistic one, Teena climbed on top of me and started to knead my stomach, purring loudly and closing her eyes.
Now, i’ve basically become a human cat bed wedged between the toilet and the tub, wondering what in the world i did in a past life to earn THIS level of karmic payback. Or when somebody might miss me and come look for me. But, as i hear the MAN out in the living room laughing at the tv, i realize i’m probably going to be on my own getting out of this one.
Oh well…the kitty is warm…and snuggly….and i could use a nap….