To prevent me from getting to Starbucks for a venti iced cinammon macchiato with coconut milk, obvously!
Or at least, that is all my screaming, caffeine-deprived mind can think of as a group of turkeys wander across the small-town road in front of me, blocking traffic in both directions. The big male turkey leads the way, slowly and proudly strutting his stuff, three nervous babes in tow.
“Move, move, move, move, move, move…” my poor addicted brain silently keeps up its mantra while my fingers drum a metallica-worthy beat on my steering wheel. Withdrawel is SO rock and roll.
Justin TimberTurkey reaches the other side and fans his tail feathers (he’s bringing sexy back!) while all of the females except one catches up to him. No, no, no, no! That sister wife has turned around and is crossing back to the other side! What??!? The turkeys begin to look confused and start to follow her, wandering back into the road.
Ok. Now, i am a HUGE animal lover of all kinds and will do anything to help one out. i am not about to gun it and commit mass turkey homicide just because i haven’t had my Starbucks yet today and may die. But the silly bird is darting left and right, the others are now also blocking traffic again, and i can feel the shakes starting.
Somebody’s got to take control of this situation. And today? That Somebody is ME.
i put my SUV in drive and start heading toward the confused birds. i can see the driver of the car facing me start to panic, waving her hands frantically at me. She turns on her hazard lights. Cuz that makes sense. Give it a rest lady! i’m not hunting down tomorrow’s Easter feast, i’m trying to DO something here! i look at her and mouth, “i got this”, and then focus back on the road, inching my deathmobile toward the turkeys.
Turkey Wife #1 begins to panic. She takes a few fast steps to the left again and i roll my ride right into her path, cutting her off. She pulls up short and does an about-face, running right into Wife #2.
“AHA!” i shout with glee. “i got you now!” And in a herding move worthy of my cattledog, i pull my steering wheel hard to the right and step on the gas, steering the now running small flock (group? harem? What do you call a family of turkeys besides “dinner for the entire village”?) back across the road and on to the sidewalk, squawking and flapping their wings in protest.
“YES!” i fist-pump the air. That venti iced cinnamon macchiato with coconut milk is MINE! i check out Frantic Lady as i back my car up, straighten it out and put it in gear. i can see she is staring at me, not smiling. C’mon lady! It wasn’t THAT close. i just saved a bunch of bird lives AND got traffic moving again! i give her a thumbs up. She’s now glaring. Whatevs. i know i just rocked that near turkey-catastrophe. (See? i CAN spell it!)
i crank the stereo and step on the gas. The sun is out, a macchiato is in my near future and Coldplay is blasting from the speakers.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
i call that a win!
Shout out to Firkin for the turkey clipart!