i am late.

Not like,”well, by now they’ve given up on me ever showing up and have cancelled my appointment” late, but i was cutting it close. And it wasn’t an appointment for another vaginal ultrasound (yes! i STILL haven’t let that one go! And if you haven’t yet read THAT harrowing story, you can get all the gory details in my “Total TMI” post here.

But i digress.

No, this was late for a MASSAGE appointment which took weeks to get because i am very picky about my massage therapist. i need a therapist who has just the right combo of work ethic, careful attention, and sadomasochism to get in there and really Get. Those. Knots. OUT. i found my guy and he’s perfect. And apparently, lots of other ladies think so too. (Truly! He’s booked a month out and i never see a guy with him! Well, he is rather easy on the eyes. But that’s not why i see him! Honest! He’s got mad skills and i respect him for the skilled professional he is. And i never ever have inappropriate Danielle-Steele moments while lying there naked under a thin sheet with his strong hands kneading my sore, tight muscles. Never.)

But i digress.

No, this was one appointment i just could not miss and here i am, one minute until masochistic bliss time, and i can NOT find a parking place.

WTF? It’s 10:00am on a Tuesday! Where did all these people come from?? Don’t they have jobs???

i see a spot, but it’s between a chevy pickup and a minivan in the compact parking area (COMPACT!! Can you guys not READ???!?) and it’s a really tight squeeze. So, i circle the lot again.

And again.

AND AGAIN.

Nothing.

Except that one teeny, squeezy spot next to the minivan.

Fuck it. Fabio is waiting. i line myself up carefully…oh, so carefully….and ease my Rav4 into the space.

There! I did it! i am the parking queen!! Huzzah! i turn off the engine, grab my purse and carefully open the door.

About 7 inches. What? Really? i can’t get the door open any further? i push just a little bit on the door. i dunno – thinking maybe the minivan was squishy or something and it would give? But it didn’t. Crap! Can i get out the other side? i lean over to try and see out the passenger window, my back screaming in protest, and i realize my days of shimmying over car seats in parking lots (don’t ask!) is long gone. Long, LONG gone.

Panicking, i once again try and push my door open further. Nope. That minivan really is solid. i glance at my watch and see it’s now 5 minutes past. 5 more minutes and my appointment will be cancelled.

And. That. Can. Not. Happen.

There’s only one thing to do. Take a deep breath, suck it up and get my size 16 body out of this car via that barely open door.

i took a deep breath, sucked in all that would suck in, and put one leg and one arm out and…that was it. No way was the rest of me going to follow. There had to be another way! i pulled my arm and leg back in and looking up, realized i was getting hung up on all the door-handle-stuff and that there was more room at the top of the open door.  Maybe i could stand up, get my upper torso, both arms and the “girls” out, take a deep breath and suck it in, then squeeze the rest of me – while hanging on to the door frame – outside of the car and oh-so-gracefully swing myself down to the ground.

OR….i could stand up, push my upper torso, both arms and the “girls” out of the car, take another deep breath, suck it in and push….push….push…and get stuck. Half in, half out, my butt seems to be the issue now and i have wedged myself into this tight position with my legs now dangling a foot and a half off the ground and the door-handle-stuff now painfully pressed into my groin – i’m basically hanging there by my V.

You have GOT to be kidding!

And oh-my-god it hurts!!! Tears come to my eyes as i painfully try towiggle, my legs flailing, every move only digging the door-handle-stuff more into girly bits. This is not going to work and i decide to pull myself back in to the car and try something else. But i can’t. That’s when i realize that i am truly S
TUCK, hanging by my V and i can’t get a foothold to do anything else. i look around for help and don’t see anyone. Wait – i don’t WANT to see anyone! i mean..how could i explain this? And how could they help? Vaseline? Jaws of Life? Not laugh?

 

No. i got myself into this mess and i will get myself out.

One more time, i sucked in all that would suck in, gritted my teeth and shoved hard against the car frame and … POP! i flew out of there like one of those spring loaded snakes-in-a-can prank toys and landed hard, stumbling, but on my feet, and more importantly, OUTSIDE of the car.

OWWWW! i stagger a bit, lean up against my car and have a private moment with my aching lady bits. Or, at least i assumed it was private, until i looked up and saw the video camera, mounted on a light pole in the parking lot, pointed right at me. Rrrrriiiigghhht….of COURSE there would be a camera! Because in my clown car of a life, there is just no way i could get stuck hanging by my V in a parking lot and NOT have it captured on video!

Sigh.

i stand up, give a little wave, and limp into the building, imagining some rent-a-cop in a dirty office and a couple of video screens, a cup of stale coffee and a half-eaten bag of cheetos on the desk, laughing hysterically.

“Joe! Hey Joe! c’mere! I’m gonna rewind…you gotta see this!”

Sigh.