The question of whether or not i had chicken pox as a child seems to get more important the older i get.

i am asked that a lot, and i remember having something LIKE chicken pox. Or maybe it was my brothers who had it and then i was quarantined with them in order to “catch” it and get it over with. Or maybe that whole scene is something i saw on a tv show in the 70’s and now it has joined my memory slush pile which consists of a few real events, lots of appropriated as-seen-on-tv events, and quite a few actual 7-11 slushies.

i don’t know.

i don’t remember itching all over or having spots or being kept home from school for any length of time.

So that begs the question – if i actually DID catch it, did i have it bad enough?

Because it seems there are levels of chicken pox and if you only sort of have it, you may not have suffered enough to have developed an immunity to it. On the other hand, if you HAVE had it, then it is in your body and later as an older adult, can become painfully active again in the form of shingles. So, basically, you’re screwed either way when it comes to the pox.

Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

But now that i’m adulting, with a real job in real medical situations, i have been asked what illnesses i have been exposed to or what vaccinations i have had. Does anyone know these things????

Time to confer with She-Who-Knows-All-Things, otherwise known as “Mom”.

“Hey mom!” i ask when she picks up the phone. “What vaccinations have i had??”

“Vaccinations?” She sounds confused. “Oh honey…..I don’t know. We just took you in and they gave you shots back then. We didn’t get paperwork.”

In my mind, i see an assembly line of country kids down at the feed store getting shots previously stored in the cooler. Right next to the cow antibiotics.

“What about for school? Didn’t you have to show proof of shots?”

“No, honey…I don’t remember having to show anything…” she trails off, trying to remember.

And this time, i picture my actual school, which was a three-room schoolhouse, complete with a bell that rang us in from recess. Three rooms and three teachers accommodated 6 grades – a total of about 50 students. i remember being in 5th grade, sitting on the left side of the room, with the 6th graders on the right. The teacher would turn to us, teach us our lesson, give us a homework assignment, then turn to the other side of the room and start teaching them their lessons. It was like getting a preview of what next year would be like, and most of us excelled in our class because of it. Books were shared, the entire school ate together on 5 long tables and some days classes were cancelled because of a wandering cougar in the playground. (“Cougar Days”! Those were the best!)

Emphasis was placed on scholarly excellence and respect for each other.

Emphasis was not, it appears, placed on vaccinations.

So, i had to tell my new medical-facility job that i do NOT, in fact, have any records of any immunizations of any kind.

But i also don’t want to shoot live viruses into me that i don’t need, so my new boss tells me there are blood tests you can take to see what immunities you have so you don’t need to get all the shots.

i have the blood drawn and then over the next three days, i get the reports.

The first test result that came back was for Rubella Virus IgG. i don’t know what all those letters mean, but i’ve heard of “rubella” before and don’t think it’s anything anybody wants.

The result: “Immune”.  Huzzah! i feel like i’ve just discovered a previously-unknown super power. i feel invincible. And a little braggy.

i quickly (and somewhat proudly) send the result of my newly discovered rubella immunity to my new employer.

The next tests that came in were for mumps and measles. The result: “Brdrline”. Borderline? What does that mean? Have i been exposed to these diseases? Do i have them now? Sort of?

While i was mildly panicking over kind of having mumps and measles, and trying to get Madonna out of my head, the final test came in for Varicella Zoster Virus. (i immediately picture catching an exotic tropical disease transmitted by a rare beetle while on a boat traveling up a river in the Congo. With Humphrey Bogart.)

The result: Positive.

Positive? i have Varicella Zoster? A quick Google search tells me that “Varicella Zoster” is a form of herpes and is categorized as an “alphaherpesvirus.” Holy crap.

I HAVE SUPER MEGA HERPES!!!

i also learn that it causes “common, self-resolving diseases of the skin or mucosa, and concurrently establish a persistent latent infection of neuronal nuclei in the sensory ganglia innervating the peripheral site of infection.”

What is this saying to me?

Hoping to find something in English, i again type “VCZ virus” in Google search, but acronyms are hard, and i accidentally type “HCV” and suddenly i have Hepatitis C.

Hep C? That CAN’T be right? Can it?

Further research, and i find that i definitely have Hep C and possibly now liver cancer. And i’m dying.

So, the Varicella Zoster virus is fancy doctor speak for herpes-induced liver cancer and i tested positive for it.

i spend about an hour having a mild anxiety attack and not wanting to share this news with anyone. How can i possibly tell my new employer that i have Hepatitis??

i take a break and go get a slushie.

After i’ve calmed down a bit, and frozen the frontal lobe of my brain, i figure i better look a little more into this virus and see what can be done.  So i google VCZ, the RIGHT acronym, and the first thing that pops up is: chickenpox.

Chickenpox???

i speed read the entire page and there is NOTHING about liver cancer anywhere. i go to another site. And another.

Then, i call my new employer.

“Soooo….i got those blood tests you require.”

“You did? That’s great!”

“Umm..yeah….” i hesitate. “Umm…is Varicella Zoster actually chickenpox?”

“Yes,” my new boss laughs out loud. “Why?”

“Well, my result for Varicella was positive.” i almost mumble.

“That’s great!” she exclaims.

“What?” i am confused all over again.

“That means you have had chicken pox and are immune so you don’t need a vaccine,” she patiently explains.

“Oh.” i intelligently reply as my brain wraps itself around the fact that i do not (probably) have liver cancer. Or chicken pox.

i told her i will forward the results and am looking forward to my first day of work.

Which i know now that i will actually be showing up for, since i won’t be….you know….

Dead.

 

 

 

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