Holy crow!

If i saw that out my window i’d lock myself in my bathroom like Jack the Dog does when there’s fireworks or the daily unexplained gunfire and NEVER COME OUT AGAIN.

The legend of the goat sucker spread and the description changed until in the early 2000’s, Texas ranchers started murmuring about something killing their livestock and sucking all the blood out of the carcasses and BAM! The chupacabra had made it to the good ol’ U.S.ofA!

But somewhere in its 10 year evolution, it radically changed its appearance until the sightings described a hairless, dog-like creature with huge canines and a long, hairless tail. Kinda like this:

And that’s exactly what the “chupacabras” turned out to be.

DNA tests were done on all the animals found dead or alive that were accused of being blood sucking demons and they were determined to all be dogs, coyotes, wolves or raccoons…with one exception that turned out to be a fish. (WTF?)

(i’ve done extensive google image searches and am greatly disappointed i cannot find a picture of that fishy chupa. i’d pay MONEY to see that one. And even more to meet the folks who found a dead fish and decided it was a goat sucking demon.)

However, i was able to see hundreds of photos of the supposed real thing and yep. They’re dogs. Dogs, coyotes and the like with terrible cases of sarcoptic mange so the poor babies have lost all their fur and their skin is dark and burnt from the sun.

i felt nothing but pity for those poor, sick creatures. Mange is a horrible affliction and even though it gives the animal a startling, monstrous look, a demon blood-sucker it does not make.

So, what happened to the chupacabra? Where did it go? Was it just a one and done in a small village in Puerto Rico, never to be seen again? And what DID that villager see?

Well, it turns out that the sci-fi movie, “Species”, was released in Puerto Rico in 1995 – the same year the sighting was reported. The movie was partly filmed in Puerto Rico, and the initial reporter had seen it. Theory goes, she went to the movie, then later saw alien/hybrid/goat sucking monsters outside her window that suspiciously looked a lot like the character in the movie.

Yeah.

i dunno about this.

i mean – she has got spines and an elongated head…slightly enlarged eyes…she COULD be the inspiration for a goat blood sucking demon monster.

Who somehow lost the perfectly perky boobies.

And the slippery-slimy-ima-gonna-eat-you sex kitten vibe.

(i’m sorry…i can’t stop staring at her lady lumps. WOW.)

But now research is done, and i have to say i’m a bit bummed about it.

i really WANTED the chupacabra to be a real thing. i mean who wouldn’t?? It’s a modern day monster, the name is really fun to say, and let’s be honest – Bigfoot Sasquatch has been a real disappointment. i mean, WHY can’t we get good, clear, believable footage or photo of a giant, hairy, smelly, screamy ape-man? WHY?? We’ve had YEARS, people! But no amount of fancy-pants technology or 10 minutes of tracking stretched into an hour-long cable tv show can provide absolute proof. (Tracking Bigfoot had 13 seasons and 100 episodes!! WHERE is he?)

But legends are fun. We need to believe in things we cannot prove. It brings magic and mystery to our lives. Our ancestors thought the earth was flat, the sun was an angry god traveling across the sky and humans were born from a big black crow. Or oyster shells. Or on the back of a giant turtle. Or from the rib of another human being who was magically zapped into existence or molded out of clay or any of a bazillion different cultural mythological explanations on how us walking, eating, drinking, farting humanoids ended up on this particular big ball in the universe.

And i get it!

I NEED MYSTERY AND MAGIC AND FAIRIES AND GOAT-SUCKING DEMONS AND UNICORNS AND MERMAIDS AND ALL THE GLITTER.

It’s in my DNA.

So ima gonna keep on looking for my chupacabra.

And Bigfoot.

And the perfect pair of pants.