“There aren’t enough ice packs in the world to cover every place on my body that hurts!” i wail into my phone. (And by “wail” i mean “text”. Like, really fast and with extreme decisiveness.) “It was like one minute i was walking and the next – bam! Right in the kisser!” (And by “kisser”, i mean ankle..knee..ass…)

Silence…..

Why does no one take me seriously anymore? Oh, i know. Maybe because, this has happened over and over and over again. So much that even i am getting tired of myself.

It started out like it always does…i suddenly had a Really Good Idea. In this case, it was, what i thought would turn out to be, a super slick short cut through some grass and around the side of a building to get to my condo. i hadn’t taken this “short cut” before but was pretty certain it absolutely WAS a short cut, and anyway, i had some gluten free chocolate chip cookies at home calling my name. (Don’t hate! Gluten makes me gassy! And you don’t want me gassy! Oh NO you don’t!)

i left the sidewalk and took off through the grass, heading toward the corner of the building. As i rounded the building, i saw the sidewalk again, and realized – holy hell! It actually IS a shortcut! Lookee me! – and then BAM! CRACK! Slippidee-doo-da HEY! and down i went.

And by “down”, what i mean is that i put my right shiny silver Dansko (eBay baby! You can get them almost half price!) toe first right into a hole at the edge of the grass, large enough to suck my entire foot in and hold fast, twisting and popping my ankle and pile-driving me knee first into the sidewalk. i managed to avoid catching myself with my fragile hands and wrists, but only by catching myself with the rest of my entire body. My knee, shin, hip and ass (somehow i twisted mid-way, in some kind of glorious Cirque du Soleil move worthy of a Caesar’s Palace show) all managed to take some serious damage, and i ended up on my back, in an excruciating, mind-numbing amount of pain, staring up at pretty white fluffy sheep clouds floating in a blue blue sky.

How did i get here? Is anything broken? Can i get up? Walk? Could someone please bring me a Hershey’s chocolate bar and some almond butter? (Don’t hate! i’m allergic to peanuts! I could die!)

A car drove by.

A young Chinese man took out his garbage.

A teenager walked out to the curb and smoked a cigarette.

And nobody, NOBODY, came over to help me, see if i was ok, throw some dirt on me. NOBODY! i was shocked. Or else i would have been if i could think anything but..”OWW!!!!” I could barely straighten my leg. My hip was throbbing. My foot was bleeding. Somehow, both my right wrist and my left shoulder were aching. i was pretty sure i was dead.

i texted my Beloved.

“If i am still lying on the sidewalk when You drive home, will You stop to pick me up?”

Nothing.

Then……

A smiley face.

Sigh.